LGBTQ Labels: “I am queer, does it matter whether I know my labels or not?”

A few days ago, I was strollling around Davie street in downtown Vancouver, and a friend asked me ‘Do we really need all these labels? The list is getting too long, and can we not just call everyone people?’

Their question prompted me to write this post.

[Heads up: the content in this post is inspired by this convo + many others with queer folks]

What do you mean by LGBTQ labels?

In today’s world, LGBTQIA2S+ refers to lesbian, gay, bi-, trans, queer and or questioning, intersex, asexual, and the two-spirit. These are the words folks use to identity themselves as they explore their personal identity.

It is a label people choose to self-identify. From the outside looking in, some people feel so scared of getting the labels wrong and sometimes get frustrated by the sheer complexity.

Some people, including my friend, got very confused about what each of these words mean. They’re so scared of getting the meaning wrong and do not want to offend anyone.

So, why don’t we do a bit of a deeper dive on why labels matter in some cases and also why it doesn’t matter.

Does it matter to know your labels?

A part of coming out is choosing a label that represents our internal experience of how we perceive and live out our sexuality.

We are exposed to new things and experience everyday, so the label we choose to represent or define ourselves might shift over time.

And it is okay.

Constantly changing and evolving are a part of life.

For instance, someone might go about their life thinking that they identify as a heterosexual until they come to grip with the fact that they found women just as (sexually) attractive to men. So, that is the beginning of their life identifying as either bi- or queer.

Coming out is a lifelong process where each encounter you experience almost serves as a testing ground for your newfound identity.

We live in a world that told us who we are supposed to be, so as queer folks we have a lot to unlearn! That’s why it typically takes many stages of learning and unlearning

Even for me, it took me several years to unlearn what I thought I knew about myself. It was a continuous process of shedding the presumption about my being cis- and hetero-

In this whole process of unlearning things about my past, I also constantly exposed myself to new things. Anything and everything non cis- and non- hetero were new!

PRO: Labels can provide a sense of belonging

In the beginning, some people might feel the need to put a label as a way to express their sense of belonging to a community or sub-group within that community. They might go to places and do typical things that people in that community seem to do. All the while not fully knowing yet how the label may fit for them as an individual.

A friend shared “…find[ing] comfort in certain labels and being a part of certain communities.”

It gave them a sense of rootedness and belonging somewhere. They added that the label provides them some perspectives on how they were to show up in their relationships.

In some cases, labels can help us make sense of ourselves in a world that does not necessarily accept gender and sexual diversity. Lots of members of the queer community had stayed in the closet for decades. They felt isolated living without a language to make sense of their own personal experience. Nowadays it is super easy to find information on the internet and connect with people with similar lived experience. So, this can make them feel less invisible. 

Simply put, labels can help people understand who they are, make sense of their personal experience, and find connections with the queer communities.

I’d say for the most part, within the queer community, labels imply a kind of fluidity

People can experiment and change their pronouns, sexual orientation or preference, and gender identity as they evolve within their queer identity.

In fact, changing labels in the pursuit of finding one that fit someone’s internal experience can be a super empowering experience! As queer people, we have been told time and again to exist within a certain confine. That’s why it’s super healing to say “Fuck that mold, the container doesn’t fit me snug. Here I am creating a blueprint for how I desire to live my life.”

NOT SO PRO: Labels can feel too definitive and restrictive

As someone who’s a big believer of “you do you”, I’d love to feature both side of the equation

With all the positive points above, we should never assume that everyone wants labels.

While labeling is helpful for some, some folks feel comfortable in their own skin without the need to define their sexuality. In some ways, a label might be limiting and too much of a defining factor in someone’s life.

Some folks shared that the labels do not seem quite right.

“It doesn’t quite describe who I am in my sexuality and exploration journey”

“It feels overly simplified and restrictive in some ways. I am still at the beginning part of figuring myself out. I know I am not hetero-, though when I mentioned that I dated a guy after breaking up with my girlfriend, people seemed to assume that I am somewhat hetero-”

A couple of friends shared those two comments.

They see human sexuality and gender identity as existing on a spectrum, and rightfully so :)

Our presonal identity is like a pan of pizza…

We are complex human being, and our identity is so much more than our sexuality. Imagine a pan of a medium-sized pizza. Our sexual orientation is like one slice of the entire pizza.

It is important to remember that exploring sexuality and gender does not need to end with finding a label.

It is only fair for me to share my personal take on this, considering I personally identify as queer… Does it matter whether I know my labels or not?

For me personally, labels help me make sense of my personal experience.

It was like putting words to name my experience, that way I felt affirmed and validated. Even though I knew that our individual experience is unique, there was a certain kind of peace in knowing that I was not the only one experiencing that.

I used to think something was wrong, that I was little crooked in the head (haha) for having certain thoughts or experiencing certain feelings towards some attractive friends.

I do personally identify as queer, though I won’t feel comfortable going any further than that. I feel like I am still on a journey. I thought I was bi-, though I happen to find trans folks attractive.. I never dated inviduals who are trans-, though does it mean I am pan-? I do’nt know…

So, any final verdict on whether it matters whether you know your labels or not?

We are all on a journey and we know ourselves best.

There is no one-size-fits-all.

What is helpful for one may or may not be helpful for another person.

In terms of whether labels matter or not… I often reassure people it is not about inhaling a dictionary of terminology, and instead I invited them to consider what the label means to the individual, whether it would be helpful or harmful.

Have you ever question if your personal experience matches, or resonates with the labels we often hear out there?

Rest assure, you are not alone.

Know that you have the option of leaving things as is, or, would you let your curiosity lead you to a journey towards a more holistic self?

And also, we are not meant to have all things figured out on our own. If you see people who seem to have lots of clarity on who they are and how they show up, most likely they have gone through their own process.

If you’re wondering if coming out counselling is a thing, I would LOVE to be invited in your journey of self discovery and explore how the many pieces of your personal identity fit together.

Book a conversation today, so that we can figure out who you are, who you want to be, and how to get there!?

HELLO, I am NITA AGUSTIN

I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC. My jam is working with queer youth and young adults, especially those who do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves. I help clients figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.

I offer virtual and in-person sessions near Brentwood, North Burnaby. I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.

Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self