Coming out is a lifelong process: There can be several stages to come out
Pride month always serves as a reminder of how far we have come and where we are heading. More countries legalize same-sex marriage laws and more workplaces implement equality and anti-discrimination policies.
On the social front, we can see that LGBTQ+ movement gained more traction and more queer folks feel more comfortable proclaiming this piece of their personal identity publicly.
Though, I can’t deny that we still live in a very heteronormative culture, where being straight and cis-gender is seen as the norm. It’s the gold standard pretty much.
That’s why anyone who’s outside of the norms a.k.a those of us who identify as queer, it’s exhausting living in a gendered world that told us who we are supposed to be and how we are supposed to live our life.
What the heck is coming out?
Coming out is a way for us to tell the world that
Hey, even though we live in the same universe, I don’t subscribe to the same terms and conditions to live my life. I came up with my own terms and wished to live my life based on these terms.
We are the same human being, though we don’t necessarily identify with the same pronoun.
And I also do not happen to want to walk on the path the world told me I am supposed to go, so I created my own path.
The thing about coming out is that there is no one way to go about it or one speed to go at it.
Psst… I wrote another article where I did a deeper dive on the many definition of coming out.
Coming out is a lifelong process
In some ways, it can be a difficult process because our society prefers certainty. Anything and everything that is unclear or not as definitive can be hard to understand.
It puts pressure for those who are still on the fence about whether to embrace their new discovery.
For many folks, telling people is the end of one process and the beginning of another.
We need to constantly sift through our personal experience and come to grip with our preference or orientation.
Everyone moves through the coming out process at different speed
The process is very personal. Some people are aware of their preference early on, while others only had the audacity do embrace their queer-ness well in their 30’s or even 50’s, for various reasons.
All thing considered, the process of figuring out the many pieces of someone’s identity and preference is ongoing… There is no such thing as “aww, I have this all figured out.”
In some rare cases, some folks developed such clarity about their gender identity and sexual orientation very early on. Take for example Jazz Jennigs, an American LGBTQ+ activist with lived experience as a transgender. She realized since very young (2 y.o, if I am not mistaken, been a while since I read her biography) that she liked wearing dresses and girly stuff.
Though for the most part, including for myself, coming out is a lifelong process because it took me some time to figure things out and sift my experience through.
As someone living in a very hetero- cis- world, coming to terms with my queerness took several stages. I needed to unlearn so many things that I adopted way back when. Then, I needed to do lots of exploration work to put a name to what I experience.
There can be several stages to come out, and that’s why I resonated with this theory coined by Vivien Cass, a clinical psychologist and sexuality specialist, who is gay herself.
She came up with the Cass Theory of Six Stages of Coming Out in the early 80’s. It takes into consideration lesbian, gay, and bisexual identities. If you resonate with one of these stages, know that your personal experience is completely legit, and many others share similar experience.
1. Identity Confusion
You felt attracted to people from the same gender and began wondering whether you are not as hetero as you thought you were. This is the starting point of you questioning if you subscribe to what society tells you who you are supposed to be.
Anisa’s story from another post is a great example of this. Check out her story here.
It is very normal to experience denial and confusion at this stage as you are still trying to wrap your head around what you thought about yourself and your personal experience.
You had so many questions about yourself, the world around you, and how you were supposed to be.
If you feel confused and overwhelmed, know that you’re not alone. When I first came to grip with my queerness, I was also feeling super out of place. It rocked my world because this newfound realization made me question everything I thought I knew about myself.
2. Identity Comparison
It is very normal for LGBTQIA2S+ individuals to experience shifts in the landscape of their social and personal connection following their decision to embrace their sexual orientation.
At this stage, you started toying with the possibility of accepting the fact that you are queer.
So, you moved from thinking that “I may be gay” to “I am probably gay”
You also started coming to grip with the possibility of living life either way. Meaning, you started thinking about “how would it look like to live life as an openly queer individual”
You weigh the pro’s and con’s of both
You wrestle with the implications of both decisions.
Coming out is a lifelong process for some folks, and at this stage, it feels like an avalanche of so many things to figure out.
3. Identity Tolerance
You started to accept your queer-ness, and may seriously consider embracing it. At the same time, you are wrestling with the possible isolation and alienation if you were to publicly come out.
Realizing that you cannot do it alone, you started to find other people with similar lived experience as yourself. You started experience finding solace in labels.
Psst… I wrote another article where I did a deeper dive on how queer folks think about labels
4. Identity Acceptance
Typically, people at this stage have gone through the worst part in terms of finding more of a grip in reality.
They have gone through the agony of realizing that they’re not as hetero- as they were led to believe. This truth has sunk in.
They have weighed in the possibilities and implications of living a life as a closeted individual or as an openly queer person.
They have resolved most questions they had about their personal identity and sexual orientation.
Not that they have had everything figured out, though they good a good handle on it.
For some folks, accepting their queerness imply losing some friends and family members who are not supportive. So, it’s pretty normal to experience loss and grief as a result of coming out.
That’s why, embracing their queerness almost comes at a hefty cost too.
To a certain extent, identity acceptance is nuanced because the acceptance may not happen all wholeheartedly. It all happens in stages, and that’s what makes coming out a lifelong process.
This is also the time where folks typically started plugging them to different community with the hope of finding new chosen family. They are on their way to integrate this newfound discovery.
5. Identity Pride
At this stage, folks typically want to step out of the closet and declare their newfound realization.
“I gotta let people know who I am!”
They started the world differently, dividing it into heterosexuals and queers.
They felt more motivated to immerse themselves in the LGBTQ+ culture and minimize contact with cis- hetero- folks.
They see LGBTQ+ culture as more supportive and gravitate towards people who identify as queer.
They feel more resistant to blend in and wished they could just stay within the bubble of LGBTQ+ community, which include work and business connections, social support and contact
This part is super understandable, considering the oppression or discrimination queer folks have experienced all these while.
I have seen this quite a bit in my practice, and if and when this issue arise I typically help clients process the anger they felt towards the injustices they witness and lies they were told. I also give clients space to grieve the time they wished they would have known about this sooner.
6. Identity Synthesis
At this stage you are pretty grounded in yourself and have integrated the many fragmented pieces of yourself into a more wholesome identity.
You might feel more at peace with what you experienced in your personal discovery journey. That way, you can show up as your whole self when you are hanging out with people from within our outside of the queer community. There is more congruence between your private and public self.
Coming out is a lifelong process for most folks, so it is totally okay not to have everything figured out in a matter of months.
How about you, did you resonate with the proposed six stages? If so, whereabouts are you? If not, what does not fit?
I welcome you to share your thoughts and would love to be your sounding board.
HELLO, I’M NITA AGUSTIN
A Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC. My jam is working with queer youth and young adults, especially those who do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves. I help clients figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.
I offer virtual and in-person sessions near Brentwood, North Burnaby. I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.
Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self
