Come out on your own terms: Write your own narrative

Greater Vancouver Hot Chocolate Festival is happening now, and foodie Tasha is super pumped to try what Bella Gellateria offer this year. As Tash was waiting for the barista to make her Cherry Bomb, she shared feeling frustration because people constantly asked her whether she would ever come out. “Can’t I come out on my own terms?” she added.

Coming out is an important, definitive yet very challenging part of a lgbtqia2s+individuals’ lives

It is a process where people try to make sense of their sexual orientation/identity. The journey can look fluid and meandering for some, and quite definitive from early age for others.

Coming out can be a gradual process for some, and all of a sudden public proclamation for others.

Heterosexual people do not need to come out and outwardly define their sexuality.

So why do queer people have to come out?

When asked to give advice on whether to come out or not, I typically respond by asking:

1. What does coming out mean to you?

2. In what way is it important for you to come out?

3. Who are you feeling comfortable sharing with? Who needs to know, is it everyone or some select individuals? What made you pick these people, what factors prompted you to include these individuals in the list?

4. Who are you doing this for? More so like, what motivated you to come out? Do you feel the news about you being queer will make people treat you any differently? If so, in what way? And, how would this shifts or different treatment impact you?

5. Does coming out mean to bring you freedom or more so to explain yourself to people who are questioning your sexual preference?

At glance it might seem annoying to respond to a question by asking them more questions. Though ultimately, the process and meaning of coming out looks different for everyone.

Once you make a proclamation, there is no way you can take that information back.

I am not saying that once you come out as bi-, you will be defined by that label permanently.

Some people found coming out and labelling themselves too restrictive, and others legit have concerns whether to come out or not. They were afraid that they won’t be able to go back on their words.

Though, as someone who firmly believes that “this is your life, so you get to call the shot”

When I support friends or clients who agonize whether or not to come out, I steer away from saying yes do this or no do that.

I personally believe that you gotta come out on your own terms, not everyone else’s.

If you are wrestling over this decision, and wondering what defining life in your own terms mean. Remember that:

1. Everyone’s journey is different

There is no right or wrong time to come out. Some may come out during elementary school, while others may not do so until they are well in their 30’s. When you feel ready to come out, it is helpful to start sharing with a trusted person first before doing so publicly.

2.  If you so desire to come out, go and do it FOR YOURSELF

Coming out can be a liberating experience because more often than not people assume that being heterosexual is the way to go. Proclaiming your preference to the world can be empowering. So, it’s important to first define your terms before writing your own narrative.

3.  Let coming out be a celebration

The world likes and operates in binary, so anything that stray away from the binary of heterosexuality can be confusing. That is why those who are exploring or figuring out their sexuality might get bombarded by endless questions from by-standers.

If and when you do decide to come out, I hope you are doing it as a way to celebrate your inner experience, and not as a way to have to justify yourself to those around you.

4. You do not have to tell everyone all at once

It all depends on your comfort level, really. Some people might blast this news out on their Instagram, while others chose to share it with select few.

It is totally legit to do things your way at your own pace!!!

And also it’s just as legit to come out on your own terms, even if it means only sharing about your trans-ness or bisexuality with your besties.

Really you do not owe anyone the duty to explain your sexual orientation or clarify or rectify the old news of you being a certain gender or being a heterosexual.

5. Take your surrounding into consideration

Granted, I fully support the idea of coming out as a form of celebration of our personal journey.

For our sanity, it is helpful to still take into consideration how receptive and open-minded the people around us are.

We may be able to get a gauge based on how they react to queer related issues.

All in all, it is important to remember that coming out happens on your terms.

Coming out is about you and your personal identity, so it should be done at the pace that feels comfortable to you.

We live in a world where being a hetero is the gold standard, unless otherwise indicated.

So, coming out may be an ongoing and never-ending process. You might need to proclaim this aspect of your identity again and again.

If you resonate with Tasha’s experience and wondering what kind of support are available to folks like her?

If you’re wondering if coming out counselling is a thing, and if there’s such a thing, how that would look like? I would love to be your sounding board in your process of self-discovery. Let’s kickstart the journey by booking a conversation today.

Together, we will figure out who you are, who you want to be, and how to get there :)

HELLO, I AM NITA AGUSTIN

A Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC. My jam is working with queer youth and young adults, especially those who do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves. I help clients figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.

I offer virtual and in-person sessions near Brentwood, North Burnaby. I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.

Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self.