The invisible letter B: Erasure of bisexuality
Do you know that Canada is home to 1 million + LGBTQ+ individuals?
Bisexual folks may make up to 50% of the entire queer population though sadly our experiences are often silenced by the public, media, and ironically so even within the queer community itself.
The catch is that, even though we form a majority of the LGBTQ train, we ended up becoming the silent majority.
Bisexual folks are 6 times more likely to hide their sexual orientation from friends and family. Only roughly 40% of bisexual youth shared feeling comfortable confiding about this slice of their identity to a trusted confidante.
More than 1/3 of bisexual adults do not disclose their seual orientation to medical providers.
Let’s revisit Anisa’s story from several posts ago.
Some people question whether Anisa is really a bisexual, or if that is just a phase to follow trends. She never made any public announcement about her queer-ness, let alone posted her picture with her same-sex partner.
In Anisa’s case, some people question whether she really is a bisexual because they only ever knew that she ever dated men before. These people wonder if Anisa labeling herself as bi- is just a phase. Is it though?
In reality, there are thousands of Anisa out there
AND
What they all experience collectively is called the erasure of bisexuality.
What is bisexuality? Who are bisexual individuals?
I personally see bisexuals as folks who experience a certain degree of sexual or romantic attraction towards folks of the same sex or gender, as well as people from a different sex and gender.
Some people confused bisexuality with pansexuality, though that will be another discussion ;)
What is the Erasure of Bixesuality about?
The world likes certainty and predictability, organizing different concepts to a neat and tidy category to make it easier for the mind to grasp those concepts.
The catch is that sexual orientation or preference is not as clear-cut as that.
Sexual orientation isn’t black-and-white, it’s a spectrum
Erasure assumes that bisexuals are confused and are just exploring.
There is such a lack of acknowledgement for our existence. Some even goes as far as suggesting that those who are claiming to be bisexuals are doing that for attention only :(
A few other words I have heard thrown around to refer to bisexuals are:
Greedy
Untrustworthy
Incapable of long-term commitment to 1 partner
Explorers who cannot commit
Confused — neither straight nor gay
When you see someone getting married to an opposite sex partner, rightaway people assume that they are a heterosexual couple.
Some people think that this could possibly be an advantage to be straight passing, that we can avoid some side glances or outright discrimination that openly gay couple experienced.
For example, two opposite gender partners could easily hold hand in public without experiencing any hostile reactions. These couple could easily display their wedding photo with their kiddos and any milestones in their anniversary would be congratulated.
In some ways, these folks are spared of prying questions about “which one of you is the mom” or “how did you get around to finding the baby daddy?”
[Disclosure: I have heard these questions in public and also in my own life, when I’m around my friend! Not making it up]
Sounds like a great convenience, isn’t it?
Tha catch is that power comes with invisibility, and at some point the weight can feel heavy
Why is the erasure of bisexuality problematic?
Erasure steals our autonomy and agency to decide our personal identity for ourselves.
It is double sided because on the one side these folks are “too straight” for LGBTQ spaces, though we are not queer enough for gay/lesbian spaces.
Erasures sees bisexual men as “gay but too shy to say so”
Erasure expects bisexual women to prove it time and again.
Erasure of bisexuality in action: Maintaining this secret can feel like living a double life
This kind of invisibility can feel weighty because over time it can become really hard to turn this default mode off, even in cases where we really wanted to.
How come, you may ask?
What sustains this invisibility is other people’s assumptions about our sexual orientation
The power of these assumptions combined with the power of fear is deadly!
It could make the person become invisible to themselves
Erasure of bisexuality in action: We compartmentalize a part of our identity
We conform to the world around us, so as to appear as “normal”
[Even though, I always ask and ponder what does normal mean? Normal according to who?]
We lie by ommision and hide in plain sight
This conditioned us to stay silent and over time we become complicit.
Erasure of bisexuality is frustrating and exhausting though some bisexuals chose to actively reject this invisibility
These folks could speak openly about how identifying as a bisexual does contribute to a slice of their whole identity.
One of the ways bisexual folks do to keep erasure of bisexuality at bay is coming out again and again. A friend commented that it’s like having to come out each time this topic came up.
I find this frustrating because on the one side it is not okay to expect queer people to publicly announce their dating histories, sex lives, and preference. This approach indirectly implies the general public has a sense of ownership or entitlement over queer people’s personal information and body.
Let me clarify, I am not in any way against folks posting pictures. It just land differently when the intention behind the posting to be externally driven, say to prove someone’s queerness to others, or how queer they need to be.
Anisa’s story is not an isolated one. A while back Cardi B was also attacked by the same accusation.
Though on the other side, I feel like these discussions are the ongoing work we need to do to advocate for ourselves. It is a form of showing up, sharing our voice, and standing our ground. It is a way we tell the world that we exist, and that we cannot be silenced.
This invisible letter B- is problematic also because we cannot slot bisexuality into how the society understand queer culture.
I noticed that the media tend to portray only a certain slice of queerness.
This homogenous display run the risk of painting every queer individual’s experience as the same. That is why some youth struggle with reconciling their gender identity or sexual orientation if they do not feel that they know someone else who struggled with similar things. Or even worse, having other adults discredit their experience just coz they never saw it in the media.
Bisexuality can sometimes feel like an invisible identity
In a lot of cases, people often made assumption on others’ preference based on their overt behaviours and other signifiers.
Even within the queer community, some people question whether this b- word is legit to start with, and ask whether
“Is it just a pitstop before becoming gay?”
So, let’s recap what the main points here about bisexual erasure
- Downplaying the b- word as just a phase
- Assuming that a same-sex couple is definitely gay/lesbian
- Same thing, assuming that a man and a woman in a relationship means they’re both hetero-
- Bi- individuals aren’t taken as seriously in the queer community and any advocacy effort
Let’s make the B- word more visible
Some steps you can take to create more presence and visibility:
- Obvious one, though worth stating it to acknowledge anyone in your life who identify as bi-
- Don’t question their disclosure. Instead, be curious about their story and journey of discovery
- Not always easy to do, though worth practising over time to call out those who made bi-phobic statements
- Avoid stereotyping bi- individuals
Anything here strike a chord with your personal experience? If so, I would love to hear that, and possibly be invited on your journey of self discovery. I want to learn how I could help you make sense out of this many pieces of your experience. Book a session today so that we could figure things out together!
HELLO, I AM NITA AGUSTIN
A Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC. My jam is working with queer youth and young adults, especially those who do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves. I help clients figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.
I offer virtual and in-person sessions near Brentwood, North Burnaby. I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.
Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self.
