Queer and confused: I like boys and I like girls too

Am I Bi-? Am I Pan-? Am I Queer? What am I???

It really warms my heart to see more LGBTQ representation on the media nowadays. So, I recently watched Heartstopper and totally resonated with Nick Nelson’s character.

Picture this. Meet Anisa and Ashley.

A new coffee shop called Paul Bakery just opened up in Robson Street, and coffee enthusiast Anisa wanted to check it out. So, she invited her long-time foodie buddy, Ashley to tag along with her.

They got chatting, and Anisa blurted out “I like boys and I like girls too”

She continued “I thought I am somewhat hetero, but then how come I am attracted to this girl, Malika. We have been hanging out a lot. She is cool. The other day I felt jealous when I saw her texting. I was confused, how come I feel jealous, wasn’t it super weird?”

In the scenario above, Anisa had a newfound realization about her attraction and preference in a romantic partner.

Most of us going about our life in the world, doing most of the things we do consciously and unconsciously impacted by the narrative the world is telling us who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do.

Not too often we have time and space to take a step back and reflect on our life.

I reckon that is why the pandemic is tough for some, and a bliss for others.

When all that you have is time and your mind to interact with, the pandemic almost gave us a choice what to do with our time and mind.

For Anisa, the pandemic became a pressure cooker of an impetus for her to examine her life, especially her sexual orientation.

For her it all started off by paying closer observation on little aspects of other people around her. When she looked back at her life, she realized that she had always looked at girls differently. Though, considering the fact that she grew up in an environment that isn’t as welcoming and affirming, she never really thought that living out her fantasy was ever an option.

This newfound realization triggered a chain of reaction making her question herself “How come I like boys and I like girls too?” Seeing girls, how come I admire my female friends’ hair or their certain features???”

What an avalanche of newfound discovery for Anisa, coming to grip that she was not as hetero-as she thought she was. Accepting this realization was hard, let alone embracing this new part.

There is a lot of a back and forth.

Anisa has the option to embrace it more fully, or deny it.

Some welcome this newfound piece of their personal identity with excitement. And some shove it down the carpet for a myriad of reasons.

Granted, everyone’s story is unique.

Even though there is no formula per-se in coming out, Anisa’s experience is not an isolated one, and people like her typically went through a process of feeling confused with this newfound realization before coming to grip and finally embrace it wholeheartedly.

Curious what other Anisa out there went through? Everyone moves through coming out differently and not everyone approaches the whole labelling the same way.

This is the stage where a lot of people struggle with, especially if they don’t have good support system, or if their immediate social circle does not react positively.

How Anisa moved from confusion to clarity:

In Anisa’s case, she was terrified of losing her friendships and having to rebuild many new ones.

She was petrified.

She almost thought that it was either choosing who she can date or keeping her friendship intact.

She was weighing in the ‘cost and benefit’ of coming out

She was also considering what support system would be available for her if and when she decides to proceed with proclaiming this to the world. Will this be her bestie? Will there be a new group of people she needs to connect with? Is therapy going to help? Is coming out counselling a thing?S

That is why after pronouncing “I like boys and I like girls too” to Ashley, she was happy beyond relief to hear Ash responded

“It is super hard to realize that you are different and that there is not much you can do about changing it any other way. You are who you are, and your sexual orientation alone does not define you. Whoever (friend) need to stick around will do.”

It is fair to say that Anisa’s story in processing and welcoming her queer-ness is a joy-filled one.

I know that it is not everyone’s experience because once again everyone’s story is different.

One thing worth noting is that Anisa’s journey from observation to acceptance did not happen overnight, it was a meandering process filled with fear, doubt, and confusion.

If you resonate with Anisa’s experience and wondering what kind of support is available to folks like her?

If you’re wondering if there’s such a thing called coming out counselling, and if so how that would look like? I would love to be your sounding board in your process of self-discovery.

From my journey with clients, more often than not having an affirming sounding board can be very helpful to piece together someone’s sense of identity

Let’s kickstart the journey by booking a conversation today.

Together, we will figure out who you are, who you want to be, and how to get there :)

HELLO, I AM NITA AGUSTIN

A Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC. My jam is working with queer youth and young adults, especially those who do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves. I help clients figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.

I offer virtual and in-person sessions near Brentwood, North Burnaby. I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.

Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self.