Maintain your cool: How to deal with strong emotions when others are annoying

Picture this.

Christmas is just around the corner, and Tricia dread the prospect of booking a flight home. It has been a while since the last time T joined any family gathering.

T’s family responded poorly to their news transitioning into a different gender.
Their parents kept on deadnaming them, and their brother seemed apathetic.
T’s grandparents constantly misgendered them and refused to learn the correct pronoun.
T’s local friends are no different either.

T’s parents requested having them around this year because their grandpa has not been doing well. T knew that it’s going to be a mixed bag of an experience spending Christmas this year with their family.

After so many back and forth and discussing with their partner and therapist, T decided to book a flight back to Winnipeg.

When it comes to family and those we care most about, there are many ‘shoulds.’

Does this sound familiar?

“Family should love and be there for each other, family should get along, and the holiday should be fun”

When in reality, things are so much more complicated…and complex than that. Some people might have difficult dynamic, and the holiday seasons can be tricky.

Visiting family over the holidays isn’t a happy occasion for everyone.

It warms my heart when I saw queer folks have supportive families.
Though, others are not so, those who have been affected by homophobia and transphobia.

The holiday season and some relationship dynamic can be triggering.

That’s why it is super helpful to learn how to deal with strong emotions, so that you can maintain your cool when those in your surroundings are just plain annoying and disrespectful!

First, let’s talk about what does it mean ‘to maintain your cool’

In the scenario above, Tricia had the options to be rude or be cordial.

They are not alone. Any queer folks visiting family over the holidays can maintain their cool by setting up boundaries and coming up with some sound action plan.

For Tricia to maintain their cool means to walk a delicate balance between giving space for strong emotions to emerge and communicating their perspectives (or needs), while also taking others’ interest into consideration.

Super unfortunate, though this is the reality that some people can be very mean and invalidating towards our identity.

While can’t control how others perceive or treat us, we do have some control over how we respond to others mistreatment. Doesn’t matter whether they’re acquaintance, colleague, or family members. Which brings us to the next point.

How to deal with strong emotions when others are plain annyoing:

In the above example, Tricia has the option to avoid, bury, or numb their painful emotions just to get through the day.

Remember that T also has the option to find new ways to navigate this trickiness, so that they can open a new chapter in the way we go through this time of year. It will be worth-it in the long haul!

Let me introduce you to the concept of CORE EMOTIONS, which is any physical sensations we have in response to what we experience in the environment.

Am I safe in this place? Or are these people not a good company for me?
What do I need/want?
Am I sad? am I hurt?
What excites me? What disgusts me?

A cole’s note version is that, we all have 7 core emotions: sad, fear, anger, joy, excitement, sexual excitement and disgust.

Suppressing core emotions like anger and sadness will make us anxious and depressed.

It is important to stay connected with ourselves.

A few tried-and-true tips to maintain your cool:

• Pause. Have a bit of a breather.

• And, name what you are experiencing in the moment

• Identify what you are feeling

• Remember that emotions are a source of information, so listen to what your feelings are communicating to you

• Once you go through the steps above, think of ways to move forward in the scenario.

If you experience the holiday seasons as hard, know that you are not alone!

This time of year can be a mixed bag of a lot of things for so many of us.

We need to constantly find ways to tell ourselves that our experience is valid and personal identity is legit, even if others' do not quite see it.

Walking that fine balance is tricky because we don’t want to close ourselves off from the world, though if we’re overly open, then we’re so vulnerable and will get hurt easily.

A few more pointers on how to deal with strong emotions when others are plain annoying:

1. Let’s experiment with this the next time you notice an emotion coming up--welcome them, identify and validate them

2. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to your good friend

3. Remember that emotions are temporary. It’s like a postman delivering you a message.

4. Know your limit. Remind yourself that there are ways to set boundaries kindly and firmly. I wrote another article sharing some more survival tips for queer folks who need to spend some time with not so supportive family members. In that post, I dived deeper on a few strategies specifically to set your limit with your family.

5. Reach out for support. If you’re going to spend a stretch of time in an unsupportive place, find ways to stay connected with friends or individuals who are supportive.

True that the holiday season can be exhausting and stressful for anyone.

Though especially more so for many LGBTQ+ folks, any of us have complicated and non-existent relationship with our blood relatives.

I hope what I shared above could spark some ideas for you to maintain your cool, especially if you still need to visit your own family after so long.

Also, know that you don’t have to figure this all out on your own.
If you feel that you will benefit from having a safe sounding board to come up with some action plan, find a time in my booking calendar and let’s get chatting.

HELLO I’m NITA AGUSTIN

I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC. My jam is working with queer youth and young adults, especially those who do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves. I help clients figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.

I offer virtual and in-person sessions near Brentwood, North Burnaby. I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.

Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self