Queering Therapy: The Art of Redefining Healing and Authenticity
Most people are familiar with the term LGBT – lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. These past few years, the acronym increasingly includes the letter Q for queer and questioning.
Queer and questioning individuals are often misunderstood, overlooked, and underrepresented in the media and in the healthcare system. Some folks may get passed over for a job interview just because they were in the middle of their gender transition. It is no surprise that LGBTQ+ youth are twice as likely to feel suicidal than their hetero- counterpart.
I also have heard of cases where queer and questioning folks (aka those who are a part of a throuple or poly-) experienced discomfort when they went to the doctor and experienced getting side glances when they shared about their sexual activities.
In this article, let’s unpack anything queer and questioning and therapy related
What does Q stands for in LGBTQ: Queer and Questioning
Have you ever wondered what the Q in “LGBTQ” stands for? Or what do the other letters actually mean? Language constantly evolves and the words we use to describe our experience and convey our personal identity also change over time.
I was first acquainted with the term ‘queer’ 10 years ago when I talked to a dorm mate about the pride parade. The more I looked into this topic, the more I realized that this is a reclaimed word. Depending on who you ask, there are a gazillion ways to interpret this word. Some people still regard this word in a degrading way. Though, many others embrace and use it as a way to claim their personal identity and create a sense of belonging among themselves.
What does "Queer" mean?
To give a bit of a historical context on the term, queer originally meant odd, strange, unusual. In the past, cisgender folks used this term to refer to LGBTQ+ folks and alienate us.
For a more in-depth look into the history of this term, check out this cool post
The definition and meaning of the word ‘queer’ has shifted over the years. Some people still wrestle with its derogatory and colloquial history, though it seems like more and more folks reclaim the word as a way to self-identify. Nowadays, it’s used as an inclusive term to celebrate someone’s identity. I’d say for the most part, it seems like this term is used to describe someone’s sexuality or gender identity.
I personally see the term queer as:
Actively wrestling with our human desire and finding ways to fulfil that desire
Living life in your own terms confidently and unapologetically
Existing beyond the bound of hetero-normative culture
Showing up differently than what society mandated us to be
In some ways, I see identifying as queer is a way for us to take back the control and write our own narrative. It is an active verb in questioning what we have been told who we are supposed to be.
Our body and sexuality are a beautiful part of our personal identity, so it’s a great privilege helping clients embrace it. Within the community, the term ‘queer’ is seen as a way for folks to self-identify who do not subscribe to the rigid binaries assigned by the world, be it male/female, straight/gay/lesbian, etc.
I personally see the term ‘queer’ embodies a kind of freedom to roam around in uncharted territories and great courage to accept yourself when the world questions your existence. We are trailblazers because we are willing to go the distance to claim what could have been stolen from us. It requires fearless attitude to say that our sexual and gender identity are distinct and unique, we don’t conform to the world, and it’s okay to be different.
Who identifies as “questioning” and why?
I love the questioning part of being queer. It is a process of constantly becoming the best version of ourselves. I picture a cauldron that can contain a certain amount of liquid. The world told us a recipe that makes the best concoction to fill this cauldron. Though, folks who are questioning are actually taking a bit of a step back and making inventories of all available ingredients. Instead of blindly referring to the handbook, questioning folks are gutsy enough to experiment with putting a different ratio or using a new ingredient not in the list.
Our body and sexuality are a beautiful part of our personal identity, so it’s a great privilege helping clients embrace it.
I gotta say that I don’t right away see or label folks who are questioning as queer. Within the community, this term is used to refer to those who hasn’t yet defined their sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, or some combination of the three. In some ways, they got the sense that they might be different, though are still in the process of exploration. I’d say most likely most people who are certain as a heck that they’re queer identified, at some point in their lives might have started off as questioning.
Using this term allows them to tinker with their sense of identity, as belonging to a certain community, while at the same time not being overly definitive.
What is "Queering"?
There are so many ways to look at this term.
My personal take when I heard the term “queering” is moving from using this term as an adjective to living it out in action.
Let’s take a few steps away from the norms that tell us how we are supposed to live.
We talk towards the in-between areas and carve out space there.
There’s gonna be some discomfort, there’s lots of confusion.
The discomfort and confusion are a part of the journey towards reclaiming our personal identity.
I am yet to meet a queer folk who just straight out of the gate feeling super confident with how they are showing up. Even if their current version is confident and unapologetic, most likely they have gone through some patches of confusion and frustration before.
We bear the discomfort, stand in uncertain place, and always look for possibilities…
I see ‘queering’ as the process of becoming.
Becoming the best and most confident version of yourself.
There’s power in not knowing because that means you are open to what life has to offer. You are open to what the universe will be bringing your way.
There’s a difference between being confident and being certain.
Certainty implies things are fixed and unquestionably the way it is.
Whereas being queer is all about questioning how society mandated us how to live or show up.
I am not saying to plainly and willy nilly said “screw society.” Though, more so to critically ask why certain standard exist, how it’s been impacting you. Does it fit? Does it not fit?
If certain standards fit, then adopt it and make it your own.
If certain standards hurt, then explore other options and claim it as your own.
Being queer for me is all about living life on your own terms and carving a safe space for yourself.
We live in a world that constantly calls for certainty that’s why it’s special for us to occupy this in-between space.
I picture rowing your boat to a no man’s land and decorate this once foreign place to make it your home.
One essential part in this process of becoming is undoing a certain perspective or mindset constructed around hetero-normativity.
There’s ongoing process of self-reflection, that’s why it’s normal to feel unsafe.
All in all, we definitely won’t be the kind of person we are today without our surroundings, so it’s important to have your people.
What is Queering Therapy about?
I personally see ‘queering therapy’ as the process of welcoming and accompanying someone in the process of turning confusion to clarity in different circumstances of everyday life. We live in a world that constantly tells us who we are supposed to be and how we shall present ourselves to the world.
One of the challenges I often noticed among queer and questioning folks is feeling confused. Indeed, it is confusing when we realize that how we feel in our body and want to present ourselves are not like what was mandated by society. It can feel overwhelming contrasting our internal experience with the external reality we see in the world around us.
Throughout the process of finding clarity, we get to celebrate every single milestone in someone’s personal discovery journey.
What about folks who do not identify as queer, you may ask?
Well, when I see folks who identify as hetero and cis-, and never questioned their orientation. There is always space to question ‘what’s normal.’
What does normal even mean?
Who defines normal?
Whose baseline are we using?
How come certain things could be normal to Sally but slightly abnormal to Sam?!?
Reflecting on my years journeying with clients, I noticed clarity happens when how someone feels on the inside aligns with how they appear on the outside. In some ways, this relates to our very inherent desire as a human person to be seen and heard as we are.
Picture Mark, [not a real name], a 20-year-old male-born individual who has always marvelled about anything women related: the way they dress, put on makeup, and the freedom to experiment with different kinds of footwear. Ever since Mark was small, he remembered sneaking into his mom’s closet to try out some of her clothes when she wasn’t home. Mark felt confused initially by this tendency as he doesn’t seem to notice that other boys his age had the slightest interest in decorating their hair. Though clarity started seeping in as he got connected with a bunch of drag queens when he moved uptown for university.
In the example above, Mark finally came to a place where he felt at peace with his gender identity after years grappling with his personal identity. From a combination of connecting with a supportive community, getting a new set of friends, and attending years of queer affirming therapy, he finally found himself. There was an alignment between how he felt on the inside and how he got to live that out on the outside.
What is Queer Affirmative Therapy
Queer affirmative therapy starts with acknowledging the fact that society has marginalized and discriminated queer folks for so long and how this grave mistreatment has impacted us.
We all are impacted, queer and non-queer folks, living in a world that upholds heteronormativity as the gold standard of ‘how we are supposed to be in the world.’
There’re tons of binary standards we are mandated to follow regarding our body, sexuality, gender identity, gender roles, and many more. In some ways, these standards may hurt and impact everyone involved.
Non-queer folks felt suffocated by a lack of freedom to roam around or explore anything beyond the convention.
Queer folks constantly have to choose between claiming the courage to question these ‘implied social mandate of how we are supposed to live’. The other option is burying our curiosity and living a double life, neither here nor there.
The Spunky Counsellor Queering Therapy in action
The concept of queer affirmative therapy was first introduced by Alan K Malyin in 1982.
I wholeheartedly agree with his view that queer identity is not a pathology to diagnose.
I personally see queering therapy as queer affirmative therapy in action. In practice, I go beyond offering a non-judgmental space for folks to come and be.
I don’t see any differences in the way someone shows up and presents themselves as something to diagnose. Instead, I’d love to explore a bit more about what drew their interest in showing up this way and not that way.
Most of the queer folks I see have experienced some sort of homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism in one way or another in their lives. So, in a lot of cases we started off by processing the negative influences of all these.
Queering therapy can help folks reconnect with their inner self, desire, and motivation.
Queering therapy can help clients move from confusion to clarity. Every step of the way is a process of becoming. It is a journey with milestones along the way, but we never arrive at a destination. The highlight then is in moving along the process and not just in speeding things up.
I have witnessed how queering therapy can help clients embrace the beauty of existing in an in-between space. Getting used to the discomfort of passing through uncertain place, always open for possibilities.
Queering therapy is exhilarating as it gives clients space to claim what’s unique about them, especially those that do not conform with the society’s mandate
I personally feel that queering therapy is liberating because it can help clients explore how they relate to their gender identity, sexual orientation, and other preferences.
Queering therapy helps folks tolerate the discomfort of existing in the grey. The world gives us a blak-and-white selection of how to show up,.. Though I realized that being queer means redefining what we knew and what we were told. We grab a few ounces from the white section, stir in a few sparkles from the black section, and then kaboom there goes a bowl of grey matter ;)
Queering therapy can be transformative, especially for those who have to choose between living life unapologetically or risk losing their original community.
I am painfully aware that the whole “you do you” slogan is a new thing. I know a number of queer folks who were ostracized by their religious community, got kicked out from their house after coming out. Someone’s healing journey can be multilayered, and one of the layers is finding a way to pluck themselves to a brand new community who will be supportive and understanding. That’s why the concept of a chosen family among queer folks is real!
Queering therapy can help folks step out of their shell and into the world. We are in the constant process of becoming, so a big part is trusting the process.
If you been wrestling about anything queer, questioning, and want to experience queering therapy in action, I would LOVE to connect with you.
Ways we can make that happen:
Find out a bit more about me and what I have to offer
If you feel ready to get chatting, let’s get cracking, find a time that works for you
Either way, I hope I get to connect with you or see you in my booking calendar ;)
Hello, I’m Nita Agustin
Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC
My jam is helping curious and questioning queer youth and young adults move from confusion to clarity.
Most of my clients shared feeling overwhelmed by the messages the world told them how they’re supposed to be. They do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves.
In our work together, I guide clients in figuring out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.
I offer virtual and in-person sessions in Brentwood, North Burnaby. In the summer I also offer walk-and-walk in Confederation Park.
I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.
Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self!
Throughout this pandemic, I witnessed telehealth virtual sessions become more of a norm, and it has been super transformative seeing clients can access mental health services from the comfort of their home.
There are lots of different stereotypes out there, and society tells us who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do in the world. It can feel very overwhelming and confusing to compare our personal experience against those ideas. The thing is, you no longer have to be defined by what society tells you. It is your life to live, and you get to decide who get a say about your life.
