How to be an LGBTQ+ ally: Building bridges, Inclusivity in action
Hey there!
My name is Vivien and I’m copywriter, busy mom of two, small business owner, and here to share my two cents for all the cis-gendered, “traditional” people out there when it comes to being an ally - or even a friend! - to someone who identifies as a member of the LGBTQ community.
In this article, we’ll unpack the main points about anything LGBTQ+ ally related:
I recently had a conversation with a good friend. My friend is queer. And they’re awesome. But our conversation hurt my heart, and has made me irrationally frustrated with people and how short-sighted and mean they can be.
Now, here’s the story:
My friend had a professional relationship with an advisor, someone they shared a near-decade relationship with, and out of the blue, the advisor dissolved their relationship. WHY?
Because my friend is queer, and their advisor- who after years of working together - had finally decided that my friend’s queerness was ‘too much’ to handle. That their sexual orientation - a very personal thing that has no impact on the advisor- was offensive to their personal values and a threat to their way of life.
So, here I am, listening to this story - fully aware that it is the friend's side - but hearing the heartbreak, the sorrow, the disbelief in my friend’s voice… and I can’t even handle it.
I’m ready to grab a pitchfork and storm the castle! Because what gives?
As a friend, I’m devastated. I can’t believe that someone would walk away from a relationship that was built on trust and vulnerability in the span of a five-minute phone call.
I think about the relationships I’ve had in the past - friendships and romantic relationships alike. I’ve reflected on why those relationships didn’t work out. And I can always pinpoint the instance where they degraded. The big, insurmountable challenge that both parties felt was the beginning of the end. Maybe there was a disagreement, maybe there was a misunderstanding, maybe distance played a factor. But either way, it’s very rare, that I’ve had a relationship fall apart without expectation.
But my sweet, queer friend has shared this story before. This is not the first time people in their life have walked away from them. This is not the first time that their queerness has been someone else’s problem.
It is not the first time that I have heard these words:
“I don’t know why I’m being treated in a way that I’ve never treated someone.”
Quite honestly, I’m flabbergasted! Appalled! Infuriated!
Why do cis-gendered (because you know the queer folks DGAF!) people judge based on sexual preference? How is someone who loves or doesn’t even part of the conversation in a professional relationship?
This is not how you support the queer community.
This is not how you support your friends.
This is not how you support your business partners!
This is not how you become a better person.
So, let’s break down how you can support your queer friends and be an ally to LGBTQ+ folx.
What it means to be an ally
If you’re still reading, I’m making two assumptions:
1 - You want to be an ally and you’re struggling with what that looks like
2 - You want to see if you’re actually an ally
In either case, I’m going to assume you are here because you actually care. Because you see the queer community getting mistreated and you just can’t stand it.
What is an ally?
An ally is someone who comes from a privileged position and stands for and with marginalized communities. In this situation, you are a heteroromantic, but you recognize, and stand up for those who identify as LGBTQ+.
Look, I’m a white married gal with two kids. I know that even as a woman, I am seen more than my queer friends. I know that my sexual orientation isn’t up for debate.
But I also know that if I mention I find women attractive - suddenly I get the shifty eye. Trust leaves the room. The ladies wonder if I’m interested in them, the men wonder why I’d prefer a woman to them…. Yikes - I just wanna be friends!
No! This isn’t a blanket statement, there are good, kind, caring, genuine people out there, but you’d be surprised at the reservations many have about orientation.
It’s as if the second you divert from ‘normal’ someone has an opinion. And that sucks when their opinion of you has absolutely nothing to do with them.
6 Rules for being an LGBTQ+ ally
1 - Listen
You might be diluted into thinking that ‘gay is ok’ and that acceptance has happened, and since we now accept queer as an orientation that all the troubles are gone.
You’d be wrong. Queer individuals face challenges every day that hetero people don’t. And if you stop, and truly listen to what they are saying, how hard it is for them to exist in a society that wants to judge their whole existence based on a bedpartner (or lack thereof), you’d see society is far from accepting.
2- Learn
If you want to understand the struggles your queer friends are facing, seek out that information. Read the news, read a book, attend a function, show up in their community and learn what is going on and how they need your support.
3 - Speak up
The best friend is one who will stand up for you when you aren’t there. If someone says something or does something that is hateful or ignorant, don’t let silence be your answer. You can support your friends the most by standing up for them.
4 - Step in
Have you ever witnessed a queer friend being mistreated? It sucks. And while most people can fight their own battles, it can be hard when the battle is the same time and again. With permission, you can step in and offer support. This isn’t about engaging an aggressor, but being a rad human to the person getting mistreated.
5 - Be uncomfortable
When you stand up for something that is different, it’s normal to feel discomfort. But don’t let that stop you or slow you down. Embrace that discomfort and ask yourself what it means, where it comes from and how you can learn from it.
6 - Show up
As someone outside the community, you might find it difficult to constantly show up and stand up for queer issues. But let me tell you, queer folx don’t have the luxury of taking a day off from being marginalized and judged. If you’re going to call yourself an ally, you can’t pick and choose your days to speak out.
What else can you do?
This might sound super simple, it might even sound TOO simple. But if you’re looking for ways you can support your queer friends, or business partners I have a hot tip.
TREAT THEM WITH THE COURTESY AND RESPECT YOU TREAT ANYONE ELSE.
Wild?
It shouldn’t be. I’m not sure when we diverged so far away from giving anyone and everyone the same level of respect based on their orientation, but it’s hella stupid.
Someone’s queerness shouldn’t factor into how you treat them.
It doesn’t change their worth. It doesn’t change who they are.
It’s a character feature like their eye colour, or height. It’s not a fatal flaw, it’s not even a flaw.
So stop treating queerness like it affects you personally and just be a rad, respectful human!
Hello, I’m Nita Agustin
Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC
My jam is helping curious and questioning queer youth and young adults move from confusion to clarity.
Most of my clients shared feeling overwhelmed by the messages the world told them how they’re supposed to be. They do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves.
In our work together, I guide clients in figuring out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.
I offer virtual and in-person sessions in Brentwood, North Burnaby. In the summer I also offer walk-and-walk in Confederation Park.
I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.
Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self!
Throughout this pandemic, I witnessed telehealth virtual sessions become more of a norm, and it has been super transformative seeing clients can access mental health services from the comfort of their home.
There are lots of different stereotypes out there, and society tells us who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do in the world. It can feel very overwhelming and confusing to compare our personal experience against those ideas. The thing is, you no longer have to be defined by what society tells you. It is your life to live, and you get to decide who get a say about your life.
