Chosen Family: A journey to belonging
By now you’ve read the first parts of my story.
**if not, get all the inside scoop on “How do I come out” and everything and anything to do with how to be queer and have a faith at the same time!
Life is a journey from coming out late in life and the lesson it brought me, to losing my faith and finding it again. But one thing stays constant: family… More importantly: chosen family.
One of the most difficult things that I have experienced - probably in my whole life, but especially since coming out has been LONELINESS.
Now, I don’t mean loneliness because I’m always by myself. No, this loneliness is deeper and it is tied to that feeling of belonging that is missing.
Belonging can look like a lot of things, but most importantly,
belonging feels like a sense of security and support you feel
when you are accepted and included. And sure, I have family who loves me, and friends to spend time with. But what I was missing was a community of people who accepted me for who I am.
I was missing my chosen family.
Defining a chosen family
A chosen family is not necessarily related to you by blood or marriage.
Instead, they are people you’ve drawn into your circle who hold space for you as you are.
Chosen family are the people in your life who you don’t have to justify your feelings to.
Chosen family are the folx who you don’t need to explain your ‘quirks’ to. They are just there. Accepting. Caring.
As a queer counsellor helping my clients on their journey to belonging is my mission. I know that sounds all businesslike and professional, but that’s not at all how I feel about it.
For me, working with youths and young adults on this journey to belonging is special.
If I can take away any of the grief my journey left me with, and replace it with purpose and understanding for someone walking a similar path, I am overjoyed. Coming out can be difficult for so many people, so my ability to make any part of that process easier fills my cup.
My own experience of finding where I belong has given me a lot of perspective. And I am privileged to be able to share with the youth and young adults who sit across from me in session.
One of the areas where belonging and chosen family fit goes back to my upbringing within the church.
I realized that while I have people in my life who care for me, there were still things about me that they didn’t fully understand or accept. And this made it hard for me to connect with them completely.
Did this mean I didn’t love them?
No.
Does this mean that you should accept people’s (misguided) opinions? Absolutely not - especially not when they cause you discomfort or harm.
But I am saying that you are worth more than half-hearted relationships.
Now, I’m not here to go around pointing fingers and name-calling people who don’t share my values. Spreading hate and anger does not help anyone. And, generational biases are not easy to move past (again, not making excuses).
But living respectfully together is possible.
So while you hold yourself at arm's length from some people who give truth to the saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”, you are going to want to find yourself people who feel like home.
Finding your chosen family: At home with your family of choice… whoever and wherever that be!
As you can imagine the exodus of people you consider family is hard.
You feel alone and isolated and you can’t help but think you’ve done something wrong.
In the case of coming out, you’ve only decided to be true to yourself.
And that will never be a bad thing. That isn’t your fault.
You can have a that family raised you, but a chosen family is one way you come into your own.
I should note that many people in the LGBTQ community do struggle with feeling accepted by their family.
This is why I’m such a big advocate for finding a chosen family. Because, unlike a nuclear family, your chosen family gives your life purpose and meaning in a way you may not have experienced before.
And finding your chosen family won’t happen overnight!!
Having your chosen family might even start with just one person. But that one chosen family will mean more than any number of acquaintances ever will. That one chosen family person won’t be someone who you keep at arm's length because they see all your colours, accept all your flaws, and have your back.
Having a chosen family feels a lot like home. And for many people in the LGBTQ community, that homecoming is exactly what they need.
How do you find your chosen family?
If there is one thing I’ve realized in my later years (hehe), it’s that making friendships and forming genuine connections can be difficult.
However, I don’t want this truth to scare you. Making new friends can be tough, yes, but it isn’t impossible - especially not in our beautiful community.
However, where I see my place with my clients is helping them to understand what is important to them and what they need. You see, when you’ve spent so much time feeling at a distance from those around you, it can be easy to latch on to just anyone. But knowing yourself is the first step to finding the right people.
Knowing that my client base is predominantly youth, I do have to say that youth are in a prime position to explore and dive into different activities and social circles to find the ones that speak to them. You can also lean into your friends - the ones who know and accept you.
I consider myself fortunate to work with youth and young adults because, at that age, I needed guidance from someone who could help me understand what I needed to feel like I fit in.
And while just chatting with me won’t give you all the answers, I make sure to guide, prompt, and encourage you to seek those answers
I don’t dictate action, but I do give you the space to think critically and introspectively about yourself. And this goes a long way when it comes to trying to find where you fit… where you belong.
In my experience, I knew that the congregation I was raised in wasn’t the right one. But my relationship with God is important to me, and I knew it had to be important for others in my position.
So I sought out queer-accepting church groups (Yes! They exist!).
and found people who understand what I need and how I feel.
I also found community groups where I’ve met people who I am now privileged to call my chosen family.
One golden reminder about the process of finding my chosen family:
Putting yourself out there, meeting new people, and joining groups, and organizations that align with your values and beliefs, are great first steps to take.
The more you move through the motions of meeting different people, the more you see who resonates with you.
And the more you start feeling a sense of belonging and purpose that solidifies your place in this world.
Cultivating your chosen family is all about making choices
Now that we’ve discussed choosing your family, I am going to shift in my next piece to discuss what it means to choose yourself.
I can go on about how having people in your life who matter and make you feel safe and secure is important. But I cannot emphasize enough that beyond the external validation of others, is the internal validation of accepting yourself.
So if you’re ready to take the next step in this journey, stay tuned for the next installment.
Hello, I’m Nita Agustin
Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC
My jam is helping curious and questioning queer youth and young adults move from confusion to clarity.
Most of my clients shared feeling overwhelmed by the messages the world told them how they’re supposed to be. They do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves.
In our work together, I guide clients in figuring out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.
I offer virtual and in-person sessions in Brentwood, North Burnaby. In the summer I also offer walk-and-walk in Confederation Park.
I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.
Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self!
Throughout this pandemic, I witnessed telehealth virtual sessions become more of a norm, and it has been super transformative seeing clients can access mental health services from the comfort of their home.
There are lots of different stereotypes out there, and society tells us who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do in the world. It can feel very overwhelming and confusing to compare our personal experience against those ideas. The thing is, you no longer have to be defined by what society tells you. It is your life to live, and you get to decide who get a say about your life.
