Can I be queer and have a faith?

Rounding up the year is going to be a little longer than usual. Why?

Personally, I’ve realized that I’ve come so far in living life on my terms.

I’ve grown and learned so much in a few short years and I want to share my story with you.

I want you to know it is possible to overcome challenges when it comes to being queer.

I want to inspire others to have a faith and be queer.

I want to help you let go of your religious guilt and live life to your fullest. 

I know you’re thinking this sounds very idealistic.

I always wanted to crack the answer to this question “ could spirituality and queerness co-exist?”
If so, how would it look like for queer folx to be spiritual and have a faith at the same time?

God and gay go together like oil and water. Well, I thought that too. But I don’t anymore.

The thing is, it took me a long time to get here. 

As part of my counselling services, I help youths and young adults who live in two worlds. Who like me have grown up in religious families, but who have lost their way, and found it again. 

What does it mean to have a faith? 

When I think about my experiences growing up surrounded by a community that fostered a deep love of God, feelings of grief and sadness come over me.

I thought I have a faith when I converted into Catholicism in my early 20’s. I was taught that God created us in his image and that He does not make mistakes. We are taught to love everyone and accept ourselves and others just as we are.

That is UNTIL YOU REALIZED THAT YOU’RE QUEER… and then suddenly your position within the church becomes less certain. 

My faith in God was and is something that I hold dear to my heart. My faith guides my actions, eases my worries, and gives me comfort when I feel alone.

I will never not understand how to live my life without a belief. 

Having a faith for me - and for many others - is not just about praying when things get tough.

It’s about community and collective trust in a power higher than ourselves.

It’s about having hope when there is none. 

When I seek my clients struggling to find their place within their faith, I’m keenly reminded of how interconnected my faith is with my belief in myself. 

Gotta say that this didn’t just happen overnight!!!

I didn’t come out for years, because when I finally understood myself, and who I was, I also understood that the Catholic church does not hold space for people like me. And that realization brought with it a world of heartache that I have seen reflected in my client’s eyes.

The big lesson I learned about having a faith

One of the most gut-wrenching parts about coming out was the fear of losing the tethers to the community that I love.

Maybe you don’t have any religious affiliation and it’s difficult to connect this fear with a reality.

But for me - in the early stages of my self-discovery - this was terrifying!

As someone who always have a faith, religion was a cornerstone of a lot of my interactions. And the bible doesn’t look too fondly on those who don’t fit into a cis-stereotype. 

The struggle to be queer and have a faith for me was real. And I know all too well what my clients feel when they share their worries about coming out - especially when religion is involved. 

So is having a faith in God possible when you are queer? 

Yes. 

But it takes COURAGE. It takes CONVICTION to have a faith. 

Because to accept yourself, and your queerness while existing in a Catholic culture, does come with risks. But it comes with rewards too. 

For me, when I did finally come out, I lost friends. A lot of them. 

It was as if from one second to the next, I became a completely different person. It didn’t matter that we’d been friends for years. It didn’t matter that nothing about me changed. I was still the same person in every way, except I’d admitted that I was queer. 

This EXODUS- if we can call it that - served to highlight one incredibly important thing: 

True friends are the people who can see past what’s on the outside

and give you the space to be yourself. 

What it means to belong (while also have a faith)…

Before I made my big revelation about the people I needed in my life, I belonged to a community. 

But when I came out, my relationship with my community became unstable. And I lost that sense of belonging.  

Lack of belonging is a theme that I hear a lot during client sessions.

It stems from this worry that your queerness makes you other.

I can attest to having had that feeling myself. Whether I was questioning if I was normal for not being heteronormative or feeling other because I dared to have a different path than those around me, I know what it’s like to not fit in. 

See, I had learned that there was no place for people like me in God’s house.

I learnt that to have a faith means believing that we are all made in his image and we all deserve love and to be loved. We all deserve to belong. 

Yet, for people like me and like my clients the reality is different. We learn that our place in this world is PRECARIOUS. The second we stop conforming is the second we are cast aside. 

This bothered me for a long time. It made me feel small and insignificant. 

Which is why I can hold space for my clients. Because no one should be alone feeling like they don’t belong when they dare to be themselves. I hold space for youth and young adults who are confused about their identity and their place in this world because they need someone in their corner who has walked this path and come out stronger. 

And what I aim to help my clients with is finding their place in this world. 

For me, that belonging came when I was at my lowest. Because of those friends that stood by me, they became my community. They showed me what belonging truly was. 

And that’s possible for my clients too. I have faith. 

Can you have a faith and be queer?

When I felt like the church turned its back on me, I lost myself. I lost my faith. 

But I can tell you now, that my faith is stronger than it ever was. Part of it is because I found my community. I surround myself with people who helped me grow and let me feel safe. 

But I also had to do a lot of inner work. I had to reshape my belief system

and find new ways to exist. I had to relearn what was important to me so that I could move forward in my life strong in my faith and belief in myself. 

I found God again. I found a new community within the church that is for people like me. And it’s reshaped my outlook on the world. 

I know that there is a place for everyone. It might not be the place you started at or the place that you thought you would be in, but it exists. 

And when I work with youths and young adults, I help them find their place by working through the tough spots. 

I know that I can be queer and have a faith. Where do we go from here? 

Life lessons and guidance to have a faith exist in places you cannot always expect. Whether it’s listening to stories, trying new things, or learning how to rebuild your belief system in a way that speaks to you, the biggest lesson I want to leave you with is the one that you are not alone. And I want to prepare you for the next installment about your CHOSEN FAMILY and why they can be a balm on your soul. 

Hello, I’m Nita Agustin

Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC

My jam is helping curious and questioning queer youth and young adults move from confusion to clarity.

Most of my clients shared feeling overwhelmed by the messages the world told them how they’re supposed to be. They do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves.

In our work together, I guide clients in figuring out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.

I offer virtual and in-person sessions in Brentwood, North Burnaby. In the summer I also offer walk-and-walk in Confederation Park.

I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.

Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self!

Throughout this pandemic, I witnessed telehealth virtual sessions become more of a norm, and it has been super transformative seeing clients can access mental health services from the comfort of their home.

There are lots of different stereotypes out there, and society tells us who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do in the world. It can feel very overwhelming and confusing to compare our personal experience against those ideas. The thing is, you no longer have to be defined by what society tells you. It is your life to live, and you get to decide who get a say about your life.