Discovering My Genderqueer Identity: Thriving Beyond the Binary
I still remember the first time I heard the term genderqueer . It felt like a light switched on.
If you’ve ever felt like the language around gender never quite fit, like you were trying on clothes that were always a size too small, this might resonate :)
Growing up, I was often called a tomboy. I looked “boyish,” got teased for it,
and even heard that boys didn’t find me attractive because they didn’t want to be mistaken as gay. No wonder I grew up feeling confused about my gender identity.
At the time, I didn’t have the words for why it stung. I just knew it made me feel wrong,
like my natural way of being was somehow a problem.
I loved my own sense of gender expression, and I also wanted so badly to fit in.
I know now I wasn’t alone in that question! So many genderqueer folx carry it quietly for years.
Why did my hair gotta be a certain length or wear a certain dress to belong?
It wasn’t until my early 30s that I stumbled upon the word genderqueer, and genderfluid
BAM my world opened up.
This article is a blend of personal reflection and the knowledge I’ve gathered over time as someone who happily identifies as genderqueer.
What Does Genderqueer Mean?
The term genderqueer has actually been around since the 1990s. It first emerged in activist and transgender communities as a way to push beyond the traditional gender binary.
Back then, anyone existing outside of “male” or “female” was often called a gender outlaw.
Today, genderqueer describes folx who don’t subscribe to society’s strict categories of “man” or “woman.”
Our gender identity isn’t about what’s between our thighs, it’s about how we feel, express, and see ourselves.
Learning what genderqueer meant didn’t box me in, it did the opposite.
It gave me permission to exhale.
For me, being genderqueer means embracing the fluidity
and freedom of my gender identity. It’s about living in that beautiful space I created on my own without needing to explain or fit into a certain box.
And if you’re reading this wondering whether you’re allowed to create your own space too,
YOU ARE!!!
What Are Genderqueer Pronouns?
Genderqueer folx use the pronouns that feel right for them.
The most common gender-neutral pronouns are they/them, which are my personal choice, even though I’m okay with being referred to as she/her
But others might use combinations like she/they, he/they, any pronouns, or even neopronouns, such as:
ze/hir/hirs
fae/faer/faers
xe/xem/xirs
(Quick FYI: when you see an “x” in neopronouns, it’s usually pronounced like a “z.”)
The best way to honour someone’s identity is simple: ask what pronouns they use.
It’s a small act of respect that means a lot. If pronouns feel confusing or intimidating right now, that’s okay. Many of us didn’t get this language growing up.
Is Genderqueer the Same as Non-Binary?
Yes and no. [wait what?!?]
Non-binary is a broad umbrella term for anyone who exists outside the binary of male and female.
This includes identities like genderqueer, genderfluid, agender, and bigender.
But genderqueer has a slightly different flavour. It often carries a political edge
A proud defiance of rigid gender norms. It’s about resisting boxes, not just existing outside them.
While the two words overlap, genderqueer often communicates a sense of empowerment and rebellion against the rules of gender.
If and when not sure, at the end of the day, ASK the person in front of you how they make meaning of the term for themselves.
Some people try on different words over time. Others stick with one that feels like home right away. There’s no timeline and no ‘right’ way to arrive.
Are Genderqueer People Transgender?
In many ways, yes.
By definition, transgender refers to anyone whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. That includes many genderqueer folx.
But then, and this part matters, how someone identifies is deeply personal.
Some genderqueer people consider themselves part of the trans community, while others don’t.
It’s all about what feels most true to each individual.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you identify, not even fellow queer or trans folx. "
(Spicy, huh?!?)
Ever Wondered if you’re Genderqueer?!? Or?!?
If you’ve ever questioned the way you show up in the world, the way you express yourself, whether your pronouns is right, or how you are supposed to identify…
Know that you’re not alone
If parts of my story feel familiar, the confusion, the longing to belong, the relief of finally having language, I want you to know that you’re in good company!
If you’re exploring what genderqueer means for you, you don’t have to do it alone.
Whether you’re just beginning to ask questions or you’ve known for a while that the binary doesn’t fit, I see you. And if it feels right, we can walk this path together.
Talking with a gender therapist can help you explore your identity safely and without judgment. A gender-affirming therapist can support you in unpacking your feelings, understanding your experiences, and discovering what being you truly means.
As a gender-affirming therapist, I’ve walked with many people through this process, and I’d be honoured to walk with you too, at your pace.
You deserve that clarity and peace.
💬 Let’s keep this conversation going. Have you recently learned a word that helped you understand yourself better? I’d love to hear about it.
Hello, I’m Nita Agustin
Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC
My jam is helping curious and questioning queer youth and young adults move from confusion to clarity.
Most of my clients shared feeling overwhelmed by the messages the world told them how they’re supposed to be. They do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves.
In our work together, I guide clients in figuring out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.
I offer virtual and in-person sessions in Brentwood, North Burnaby. In the summer I also offer walk-and-walk in Confederation Park.
I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.
Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self!
Throughout this pandemic, I witnessed telehealth virtual sessions become more of a norm, and it has been super transformative seeing clients can access mental health services from the comfort of their home.
There are lots of different stereotypes out there, and society tells us who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do in the world. It can feel very overwhelming and confusing to compare our personal experience against those ideas. The thing is, you no longer have to be defined by what society tells you. It is your life to live, and you get to decide who get a say about your life.
