Setting boundaries with your family: Holiday tips for queer folks

Vancouver Pride parade is just around the corner, and for the longest time you have been toying with the idea of participating and posting your picture with your partner on your Instagram as a mild way of coming out.

But the thing was…

When you hinted about your queerness to a cousin last Easter, she could not wrap her head around the prospect of using your desired pronoun.

Also, her head almost exploded, considering her longstanding history of completing her Cathecism, getting baptized and confirmed as a Roman Catholic alongside you.

For the longest time you had been bending over backwards to accommodate others’ POV, and your last family holiday has been filled with filtering what to say and not to say, which is tricky.

“I feel somewhat excited to see family this holiday season, though am feeling a tad apprehensive about what to share as it’s been a while back. And where we left off, I was very different then.

Sounds familiar?

That is what I hear often from friends and clients who lamented about the prospect of spending time with their family especially during the holiday season.

During this time, we often have interactions with people we only see a couple of times a year. So, we are not used to navigate different personalities, needs, beliefs, and values.

From backhanded compliments about your looks, to unsolicited advice about your career choices or relationship status, family togetherness may get awkward because of an off-putting comment.

When a special occasion such as Easter, New Year, or Christmas is just around the corner, old wounds are poked, bringing about feelings of insecurity, shame, resentment, irritation, etc.

So, let’s find ways to protect your mental sanity and emotional well-being through all of this!

We may go about life repressing our own feelings in order to please others. In those situations, maintaining peace is often necessary to survive and keep significant relationships.

Some of the clients I have worked with have strained or estranged relationships with family members.

Unlike friends, whom you choose to invite into your life or leave at will, you don’t necessarily have a say in whose family you were born into.

What is setting boundaries all about?

It refers to laying out some gameplan for how other people can access you, your energy, time, space, and things (belongings).

The thing is, setting boundaries is much easier said than done.

So, if you are new to this whole concept of setting boundaries, here’s some pointers to go about implementing it:

1. Pick and choose what topics to talk about

If you know that a topic is controversial, it would be in everyone’s best interest not to bring it up.

It might be super tempting to bring up juicy family gossip or a recent political news. Though if history suggests that your family could not have respectful and productive conversation, you are better off talking about something lighter.

Ideally, it would be lovely to share openly with our family. Though, everyone’s family is different, and nurturing positive, meaningful relationship takes time. Certainly, it will not happen over once-a-year dinner table gathering during the holiday season!

PRO TIP:

If you feel comfortable taking it up a notch, setting boundary may look like saying, “I am happy to see you this Christmas, and need to let you know in advance that it would be in everyone’s best interest to steer clear from any topics about politics and anything trans and gender identity related issues. If we got into that discussion during dinner, I need to excuse myself and re-join you once you finish talking about that.”

2. Set realistic expectations

Children will forever be children in their parents’ eyes. Does this saying sound familiar?

After not meeting for a while, parents might feel excited to have you home. They might offer some unsolicited advice on your life choices and ask intrusive questions on how come you ended up dating a trans individual…

In those situations, it is normal to feel like we need to defend our choices and explain ourselves. Setting boundaries look like voicing out our opinion in some cases, while in others, knowing when and what not to say something is just as important.

PRO TIP:

Before you respond, take a step back and NOTICE the reaction you are feeling inside of you when you heard their comments.

If you sense that your parents came from a place of care, consider saying this in response, “I hear you asked me about my sexual orientation and relationship status, seems like those two aspects of my life matter to you. Though I would be more comfortable discussing something else during our family time.”

Once you let that out in the open, take into account the generational and cultural gap in the way they respond to you.

3.  Identify some self-care tools for yourself

What can you do on your part?

If you feel that you want to join your family gathering, even though you know some aspects of it are challenging. Long before it is time to hop in the car and head to your in-laws, make a list of some healthy coping strategies.

It could be some activities, people, or items that you find helpful to ground yourself.

Perhaps when you noticed that your heart rate is elevated and the mood in the room tense, it is time for you to excuse yourself to go out for a walk. Perhaps it’s time to reach out to a trusted friend, or your partner, etc. Most important thing is to have something positive to turn to when something triggers you.

4. Spend time with your CHOSEN FAMILY too

We have been told that spending time during the holiday with our family of origin is the way to go.

Though, in some cases, “Orphan Christmas” is a thing.

I still remember my first ever Chinese New Year away from home, when I could not make a trip back to my home country (back in the day when I studied in Malaysia).

Getting together with several uni friends who were around turned out to be super fun!

Living in Canada as a newcomer, I consider many of my local friends my chosen family who I get to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and other celebrations with.

Still feeling overwhelmed?

If the thought of spending time with your family bring about too much dread, is it an option to consider sitting this one out?

Or perhaps would it be helpful to reach out to someone who can help you come up with some strategies on setting boundaries with your family members?

If that’s the case welcome you to book a conversation so that we can come up with some solid plan to make this family gathering different (and more enjoyable!) than the ones before.

Hello, I’m Nita Agustin

I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Burnaby, BC. My jam is working with queer youth and young adults, especially those who do not want to be defined by what society told them about themselves. I help clients figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get there. We do this by processing how their past impacted the way they live out their life today. From our work together, I noticed clients develop better self-awareness and experience improved quality of life as they can show up differently in their relationships.

I offer virtual and in-person sessions near Brentwood, North Burnaby. I am licensed to practise in BC, as well as all across Canada, so I support clients all over BC, all the way from Vancouver to Kitimat. Other than working with clients who reside in BC, I also can support clients who reside in Yukon Territories, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland.

Check out my About me page to learn more about what I do and have to offer for you. Also, explore my Services page to see how I can guide you in making shifts in your life today. If you feel ready to discover ways to live life on your own terms, I welcome you to book an initial intake session. I am so stoked to meet you and start figuring out how you can show up as your best self